Not Like You Do.

TwiCon is over, Texas is over, meeting everyone is over...

and I'm kind of wondering...

Am I over IT?

I mean, really? REALLY? Am I?

I know my friends are going to read this and think "why the hell is she being all emo?"

To be honest, this vacation has made me exhausted and ponder a lot of things. For example, the amount of effort I put into not only maintaining the friendships I have made, but the really, really good friendships that I've made. Like the girls that I call my best friends... It's seriously exhausting. I don't know when I'm going to see these people again and I don't know where to go from here.

I want to be done with the Fandom and my life online. I want to wash my hands of all of it. Friends, website included, but than, that would be extremely selfish.

I guess I came home kind of depressed. Usually at the end of a vacation, I WANT to come home, but not this one. This one I wanted to stay and that was merely because I didn't get to do the things that I wanted to do. Go out on the town and let myself be free. I felt like I didn't get to connect with the people I wanted to connect with and all in all, I mean, I had fun, I guess it was just so different than from what I was expecting. I definitely know that I like vacations with just close friends and I like having my own vehicle so I can come and go as I please. It's hard when different people want to do different things. Forks was easy. We could do whatever, whenever. I wish I could have gotten my family more souvenirs. I wish I could have gotten myself a souvenir... I wish I could have gotten Nikki something. There just wasn't time to take a breath and focus and figure out what I wanted to get or anything.

Now that I'm home, I don't have anything to look forward to and I feel painfully useless and unsteady. Before it was "TwiCon is right around the corner and then I'll figure my shit out." Now, I'm just looking at my options and realizing that I have none. I put so much focus on Twilight, TwiCon, Sam and Megan and now I'm wondering, do I want to keep my focus there??? In the back of my head, I'm trying to sort out times that I might be able to visit them in the future, but at some point, I need to stop myself. There are other vacations I want to take plus, I want to live either in the U.S. or the U.K. and I need to make that happen. Sooner rather than later. I love the accomplishments that I've made and the friends I've met, but do I see a future in the direction that I'm looking at right now? Am I realistically going to be able to keep these girls dear to my heart who mean so much to me right now? It all seems like such a long shot which is why I need to figure it out ASAP.

AHHHHH, EMOEMOEMOEMOEMOEMO

I think not having a job and being so unsure about things is making my life difficult. All the things that I want in life are cluster fucked together and sitting on top of them is me...NOT having money. What the fuck am I doing to do once I do get a job and get money? I'm going to pull myself in so many different directions.

Ugh, I'll just go read my book and sort my stupid thoughts when I might be able to figure them out.

I miss so many people right now. Alex being the main one. When did this life get so difficult? I want to be 14 again where everyday was fucked up and I just didn't give a shit.

Please, let me leave you with the weirdest song EVER!