And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."
Monday, October 20, 2008
L.S. <3
And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."
It's raining pretty colors!
So yesterday...super interesting day...NOT! Alex and I watched the entire second season of HEROES! It was awesome, I love Peter and Nathan and all of them.
The person with the cottage in Ireland called Heather and Reanna so "knock on wood" that's almost finalized which will be great cause then we can start buying our tickets and get the ball rolling. I'm so excited to go, it's pretty much all I can think about. Europe is a huge committment with lots of "what ifs" but I really want to go to the point where I'm willing to save the copious amounts of money I need to save and do whatever it takes to be able to go when May rolls around.
Still don't know what I'm doing for halloween...lame
What's up Calgary Flames...?
No part-time job yet...boo
P.S. Autumn is amazing...soooo pretty. I just wish I could walk down one of those streets in the movies where there is perfectly lined tall trees that have all different colored leaves just sprinkling down on your head!
<3<3<3<3
The person with the cottage in Ireland called Heather and Reanna so "knock on wood" that's almost finalized which will be great cause then we can start buying our tickets and get the ball rolling. I'm so excited to go, it's pretty much all I can think about. Europe is a huge committment with lots of "what ifs" but I really want to go to the point where I'm willing to save the copious amounts of money I need to save and do whatever it takes to be able to go when May rolls around.
Still don't know what I'm doing for halloween...lame
What's up Calgary Flames...?
No part-time job yet...boo
P.S. Autumn is amazing...soooo pretty. I just wish I could walk down one of those streets in the movies where there is perfectly lined tall trees that have all different colored leaves just sprinkling down on your head!
<3<3<3<3
Thursday, October 16, 2008
So What?
WORST HAIRCUT EVER!!!
Okay I just had to blurt that out. I went to get my haircut on Wednesday night...just a trim, nothing special, and well let's just say, when all was said and done...I was the proud owner of a new mullet!!! Haha seriously though, it's pretty awful. I'm hesitant to even say that I would wish this on my worst enemy. My bangs are so short, awfully short =( makes me a little sad.
So Reanna is completely stressed about Europe which is in turn, stressing me out. For real! We seem to be butting heads and there is no way to make eachother see our own point of views. Heather decided that the three of us would create our own agendas based on what we would like to see and do and then come together and share our itineraries and see what we have common and where we're butting heads. So I'm going over there tonight and we shall see what will come of it.
No part time job yet...poo =(
Okay I just had to blurt that out. I went to get my haircut on Wednesday night...just a trim, nothing special, and well let's just say, when all was said and done...I was the proud owner of a new mullet!!! Haha seriously though, it's pretty awful. I'm hesitant to even say that I would wish this on my worst enemy. My bangs are so short, awfully short =( makes me a little sad.
So Reanna is completely stressed about Europe which is in turn, stressing me out. For real! We seem to be butting heads and there is no way to make eachother see our own point of views. Heather decided that the three of us would create our own agendas based on what we would like to see and do and then come together and share our itineraries and see what we have common and where we're butting heads. So I'm going over there tonight and we shall see what will come of it.
No part time job yet...poo =(
Monday, October 13, 2008
Turkey Day!!!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!!!
My family is at home enjoying a nice relaxing peaceful thanksgiving and I'm stuck here at boring old work, dealing with customers and their very bizarre questions all day.
Today I am thankful for...
My family
Alex
Nikki
my freedom
I'm also thankful for the couple of photographs that I have left of T.J. I'm putting together a photo album for my aunt and I'm looking at all the old photos of my family but there is none of T.J. When he passed away in 2000, my mom gave all of our photos to my aunt so she could make a collage. That was back in the day when you couldn't just run to Wal-Mart and make copies of all of them...soooo needless to say, since then, we haven't got any of the pictures back and nor do we know, if any of those pictures are still in existance.
This weekend was a pretty boring weekend. I worked Saturday, went out to Justin's show on Saturday night, it was good fun. Yesterday was the actual day my family celebrated Thanksgiving...so all day I did nothing at all. I watched 3 episodes of Friends, Spider-man 3, Fight Club, War of the Worlds, What a Girl Wants...and a lot more...yea I was bored! I always forget how sweet Fight Club is! My mom made lots of yummy food yesterday. Fresh homemade cheese buns (yum), homemade bits & bites (yum), lemon meringue pie (yum again) and more!
Anyways, I'm off to work or watch One Tree Hill or do something semi-productive. I just wanted to post a really nice Sheryl Crow song...it's called "I Shall Believe" and I'm hooked on it right now. It was featured on the end of a One Tree Hill episode..."suprisingly" called "I Shall Believe" haha! It's a great episode and I loved one of the last scenes. In a previous episode Haley and Lucas had been fighting and then he got into an accident and was put in a coma. Haley was really upset and when he finally woke up she went to see him and she just layed there crying and they didn't have to actually say sorry to eachother, you could just tell that they were. It was nice. Anyways yea, enough with the babbling...LYRICS!
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
My family is at home enjoying a nice relaxing peaceful thanksgiving and I'm stuck here at boring old work, dealing with customers and their very bizarre questions all day.
Today I am thankful for...
My family
Alex
Nikki
my freedom
I'm also thankful for the couple of photographs that I have left of T.J. I'm putting together a photo album for my aunt and I'm looking at all the old photos of my family but there is none of T.J. When he passed away in 2000, my mom gave all of our photos to my aunt so she could make a collage. That was back in the day when you couldn't just run to Wal-Mart and make copies of all of them...soooo needless to say, since then, we haven't got any of the pictures back and nor do we know, if any of those pictures are still in existance.
This weekend was a pretty boring weekend. I worked Saturday, went out to Justin's show on Saturday night, it was good fun. Yesterday was the actual day my family celebrated Thanksgiving...so all day I did nothing at all. I watched 3 episodes of Friends, Spider-man 3, Fight Club, War of the Worlds, What a Girl Wants...and a lot more...yea I was bored! I always forget how sweet Fight Club is! My mom made lots of yummy food yesterday. Fresh homemade cheese buns (yum), homemade bits & bites (yum), lemon meringue pie (yum again) and more!
Anyways, I'm off to work or watch One Tree Hill or do something semi-productive. I just wanted to post a really nice Sheryl Crow song...it's called "I Shall Believe" and I'm hooked on it right now. It was featured on the end of a One Tree Hill episode..."suprisingly" called "I Shall Believe" haha! It's a great episode and I loved one of the last scenes. In a previous episode Haley and Lucas had been fighting and then he got into an accident and was put in a coma. Haley was really upset and when he finally woke up she went to see him and she just layed there crying and they didn't have to actually say sorry to eachother, you could just tell that they were. It was nice. Anyways yea, enough with the babbling...LYRICS!
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
2 cents?
Life is confusing
people are confusing
relationships are confusing
...
end of story!
P.S. Don't Mess With the Zohan or whatever it may be called. Not only is it the worst Adam Sandler movie in history...but it's also the worst movie in history period! So disappointed. What happened to movies like Happy Gilmore and the Wedding Singer and Chuck and Larry? GARBAGE!!! 110% Trash...don't see it, don't buy it, don't rent it...NOT WORTH IT! I do want to see Body of Lies though. It comes out on Friday... Dicaprio and Crowe...awesome!
people are confusing
relationships are confusing
...
end of story!
P.S. Don't Mess With the Zohan or whatever it may be called. Not only is it the worst Adam Sandler movie in history...but it's also the worst movie in history period! So disappointed. What happened to movies like Happy Gilmore and the Wedding Singer and Chuck and Larry? GARBAGE!!! 110% Trash...don't see it, don't buy it, don't rent it...NOT WORTH IT! I do want to see Body of Lies though. It comes out on Friday... Dicaprio and Crowe...awesome!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Question Thing - May 14 2008
So here is another little thing taken off my Nex blog. I did this little survey question thing on May 14 2008. I want to re-take it right now...less than 5 months later and see how my answers have changed...interestinggggggggggggg!
THEN!!!
Answer with your Top 5, Answer will change constantly, just go with what they are RIGHT NOW
Top 5 Movies
1. P.S. I Love You
2. Fight Club
3. Knocked Up
4. The Holiday
5. Love Actually
Top 5 Songs
1. Rocketship - Shiny Toy Guns
2. Revolution - The Beatles
3. So Small - Carrie Underwood
4. Stripper - Sohodolls
5. Damaged - Plumb
Top 5 Solo Music Artists
1. Josh Groban
2. Justin Timberlake
3. Elton John
4. Christina Aguilera
5. Lupe Fiasco
Top 5 Bands
1. Shiny Toy Guns
2. The Beatles
3. The Postal Service
4. Blink 182
5. No Use For A Name
Top 5 TV Shows
1. Heroes
2. NCIS
3. 24
4. Bones
5. CSI
Top 5 Video Games
1. Guitar Hero
2. Mario Party 8
3. Super Mario World
4. Super Smash Bros - Brawl
5. Zelda
Top 5 Drinks
1. Pepsi
2. Lemonade
3. Rev
4. Fresca
5. Daiquiris
NOW!!!
Answer with your Top 5, Answer will change constantly, just go with what they are RIGHT NOW
Top 5 Movies
1. P.S. I Love You
2. Fight Club
3. Knocked Up
4. The Holiday
5. Love Actually
Top 5 Songs
1. Halo - Bethany Joy Galeotti
2. Hallelujah - Kate Voegele/Rufus Wainwright
3. I Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
4. Fallen Angel - Chris Brown
5. Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
Top 5 Solo Music Artists
1. Gavin Degraw
2. Bethany Joy Galeotti
3. Elton John
4. Christina Aguilera
5. Taylor Swift
Top 5 Bands
1. Dashboard Confessional
2. The Beatles
3. Oasis
4. Blink 182
5. No Use For A Name
Top 5 TV Shows
1. The O.C.
2. Heroes
3. NCIS
4. One Tree Hill
5. Gossip Girl
Top 5 Video Games
1. Guitar Hero
2. Rock Band
3. Super Mario World
4. Super Smash Bros - Brawl
5. Zelda
Top 5 Drinks
1. Pepsi
2. Lemonade
3. Rev
4. Fresca
5. Summer Strawberry (Jugo Juice)
So a bit stayed the same... like movies...but music and t.v. shows changed a bit!
THEN!!!
Answer with your Top 5, Answer will change constantly, just go with what they are RIGHT NOW
Top 5 Movies
1. P.S. I Love You
2. Fight Club
3. Knocked Up
4. The Holiday
5. Love Actually
Top 5 Songs
1. Rocketship - Shiny Toy Guns
2. Revolution - The Beatles
3. So Small - Carrie Underwood
4. Stripper - Sohodolls
5. Damaged - Plumb
Top 5 Solo Music Artists
1. Josh Groban
2. Justin Timberlake
3. Elton John
4. Christina Aguilera
5. Lupe Fiasco
Top 5 Bands
1. Shiny Toy Guns
2. The Beatles
3. The Postal Service
4. Blink 182
5. No Use For A Name
Top 5 TV Shows
1. Heroes
2. NCIS
3. 24
4. Bones
5. CSI
Top 5 Video Games
1. Guitar Hero
2. Mario Party 8
3. Super Mario World
4. Super Smash Bros - Brawl
5. Zelda
Top 5 Drinks
1. Pepsi
2. Lemonade
3. Rev
4. Fresca
5. Daiquiris
NOW!!!
Answer with your Top 5, Answer will change constantly, just go with what they are RIGHT NOW
Top 5 Movies
1. P.S. I Love You
2. Fight Club
3. Knocked Up
4. The Holiday
5. Love Actually
Top 5 Songs
1. Halo - Bethany Joy Galeotti
2. Hallelujah - Kate Voegele/Rufus Wainwright
3. I Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
4. Fallen Angel - Chris Brown
5. Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
Top 5 Solo Music Artists
1. Gavin Degraw
2. Bethany Joy Galeotti
3. Elton John
4. Christina Aguilera
5. Taylor Swift
Top 5 Bands
1. Dashboard Confessional
2. The Beatles
3. Oasis
4. Blink 182
5. No Use For A Name
Top 5 TV Shows
1. The O.C.
2. Heroes
3. NCIS
4. One Tree Hill
5. Gossip Girl
Top 5 Video Games
1. Guitar Hero
2. Rock Band
3. Super Mario World
4. Super Smash Bros - Brawl
5. Zelda
Top 5 Drinks
1. Pepsi
2. Lemonade
3. Rev
4. Fresca
5. Summer Strawberry (Jugo Juice)
So a bit stayed the same... like movies...but music and t.v. shows changed a bit!
Miss Cockhole (May 21 2008)
So I wrote this little entry in my Nex blog a while back... It's a little mean, a little harsh but I like the passion in it. Do I feel this way about the person who this is about today? Definitely not, do I still dislike her of course. I wanted to keep it to remember how I felt, because it's important not to lose sight of how much anger, or love or sadness you once had in your life. It keeps you in check and makes you evaluate or re-evaluate things in your current life.
Stop and take a minute to think. Think about the way you want something, think about how you feel when you've got and then think about the way you feel when you've lost it. For the longest time I just wanted a friend who would put as much effort into a friendship as I do. Who wanted to be spontaneous with me and carefree. When I finally found a friend like that, I was on top of the world. Within months we had become super close...and just like that it went away. When we were friends, I though that she was the most honest, fun, supportive friend EVER... boy was I wrong. Basically what I'm trying to say through all this rambling is.... hold on to what you have and be THANKFUL for it. Yea my best friend doesn't necessarily like to be spontaneous and go on random adventures, but she's always been there for me. I've always been able to trust her with everything and even though we just sit and do nothing for hours, we still manage to laugh our asses off and make a good time of it...and when it comes to crunch time, I know she'll never leave my side. I don't want to take that for granted anymore because I found out that the ones that say they're gonna be there for you(fucking dumb broad), are the ones who will abandon you the fastest with not a single care as to your well-being. They'll let people stomp all over your emotions when they supposedly call you their best friend, they'll let you take the tab for a 1000dollar plane ride, they'll let you leave all your other friends and promise that they'll be there for your birthday and then leave you HIGH and DRY!
So...CHEERS!!! Here's to you! The WORSTbest friend anyone could ever ask for.
P.S. Everyone can see that you're a fake piece of shit and you're lucky that the 4 people you have in your life can tolerate all the bullshit you hand out cause other than them, no one wants to be around you....and if I EVER see you anywhere other than work, I WILL either
a) spit on you
b) spit in my drink and then pour it on you
c) rip out your nasty ass horse hair
d) Make your ugly ass face a little uglier!
HOORAH!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop and take a minute to think. Think about the way you want something, think about how you feel when you've got and then think about the way you feel when you've lost it. For the longest time I just wanted a friend who would put as much effort into a friendship as I do. Who wanted to be spontaneous with me and carefree. When I finally found a friend like that, I was on top of the world. Within months we had become super close...and just like that it went away. When we were friends, I though that she was the most honest, fun, supportive friend EVER... boy was I wrong. Basically what I'm trying to say through all this rambling is.... hold on to what you have and be THANKFUL for it. Yea my best friend doesn't necessarily like to be spontaneous and go on random adventures, but she's always been there for me. I've always been able to trust her with everything and even though we just sit and do nothing for hours, we still manage to laugh our asses off and make a good time of it...and when it comes to crunch time, I know she'll never leave my side. I don't want to take that for granted anymore because I found out that the ones that say they're gonna be there for you(fucking dumb broad), are the ones who will abandon you the fastest with not a single care as to your well-being. They'll let people stomp all over your emotions when they supposedly call you their best friend, they'll let you take the tab for a 1000dollar plane ride, they'll let you leave all your other friends and promise that they'll be there for your birthday and then leave you HIGH and DRY!
So...CHEERS!!! Here's to you! The WORST
P.S. Everyone can see that you're a fake piece of shit and you're lucky that the 4 people you have in your life can tolerate all the bullshit you hand out cause other than them, no one wants to be around you....and if I EVER see you anywhere other than work, I WILL either
a) spit on you
b) spit in my drink and then pour it on you
c) rip out your nasty ass horse hair
d) Make your ugly ass face a little uglier!
HOORAH!!!!!!!!!!!
But it's right for me, I believe.
Another boring day at work...
2.25 hours down, 5.75 hours to go!
Haha I'm so lame...and bored among other things. I was gonna watch One Tree Hill for a bit but I thought I'd update a bit. OTH btw...is pretty much my obsession. I haven't watched season 5 yet but I will. I just go through these phases with T.V. shows where I watch them like crazy...seriously it will take me like a day to watch an entire season! I don't watch much television but I do like watching t.v. series when they come out on DVD. I've done this with...24, NCIS, CSI, Heroes, Criminal Minds, The O.C., Sex and the City, Bones...and more probably. I'm thinking about watching Dawson's Creek next. Or 90210...the old one. I have the first season on DVD but I just couldn't get into it. Whatevs. I think I like t.v. series more than I like movies. Mainly because you can really see a person develop throughout a series and you can really get a feeling for a character whereas in a movie you have 2 hours to determine what kind of person that character is. Fuck, I'm bored...sitting here talking about t.v. shows. In other news... I've been lacking in the literature department lately so I went and picked up Twilight the other day. Apparently it's like the new Harry Potter. I didn't really read HP past the third book but everyone is raving about this series. The Twilight movie comes out in December with Cam Gigandet playing the bad guy. *sigh* he is my love haha, seriously though...gorgeous. I'd like to see him play the good guy once but I guess he just gives off that bad guy persona...we'll see how it plays out. He has long hair in this movie(weird).
Also.. I feel like I'm in limbo right now...I WANT to go back to school and all that good stuff but I really want to travel a bit more. I was planning on going back to school in Sept '09 but now I'm going to California and on a mexican cruise...which isn't a big thing but I don't want to wait to much long past that. If I go back to school at that time I'll be 21. Which means if I take a 4-year course, I'd be 25, still young and able to enjoy life. I know some would say that I need to get my priorities straight and start thinking about my future and I am, but I just don't have the same views as others have. I want to do what I went, when I want. I'm young and free and soon life will steal that away from me and I'll have to get serious. So why can't I see the things I wanna see and do the things that I want to do...so that I never have any regrets? The real world will always be there when I get back from whatever it is that I'm doing and that is something that I nor anyone else can hide from. I've been frantically searching for a part time job because I really really really want to go to Europe in May...like more than anything. As of right now, I don't know if I will be able to do it. I know I will be able to go but probably not for the full 2months that I wanted to go for. We'll see how that goes.
Halloween is soon....what to be, what to be. I'll probably end up being something dumb because I'm so indecisive which is lame. Also, I have the most last minute friends ever...and so Nikki and I keep saying we need to figure out if we are going on a pub crawl or going to a house party...and we wanted to hang out with all of our friends but their all being so indecisive that me and Nikki are just going to have to decide what we want to do with or without them.
The airport is boring today...nothing special going on. Nikki doesn't get in till 1:30 and there is really no other interesting people here. A year ago, some of my closest friends worked at the airport with me. Terri, Jenn, Yuka, Kumi, Amanda, Rachelle... there was a lot of us...and we had so much fun...but eventually they all got sick of the airport and left...leaving just me which is pooey. I really don't mind the airport to be honest. It's interesting to talk to all the different people of the world. Don't get me wrong, it drives me fucking bonkers sometimes but for the most part, it's a good place to work. My boss is kind of a huge fucking tool but I see him like once every two months so I can't complain.
Anyways, nothing else to report or randomly ramble about so I will exit with an awesome Martin Luther King Jr. quote.
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
2.25 hours down, 5.75 hours to go!
Haha I'm so lame...and bored among other things. I was gonna watch One Tree Hill for a bit but I thought I'd update a bit. OTH btw...is pretty much my obsession. I haven't watched season 5 yet but I will. I just go through these phases with T.V. shows where I watch them like crazy...seriously it will take me like a day to watch an entire season! I don't watch much television but I do like watching t.v. series when they come out on DVD. I've done this with...24, NCIS, CSI, Heroes, Criminal Minds, The O.C., Sex and the City, Bones...and more probably. I'm thinking about watching Dawson's Creek next. Or 90210...the old one. I have the first season on DVD but I just couldn't get into it. Whatevs. I think I like t.v. series more than I like movies. Mainly because you can really see a person develop throughout a series and you can really get a feeling for a character whereas in a movie you have 2 hours to determine what kind of person that character is. Fuck, I'm bored...sitting here talking about t.v. shows. In other news... I've been lacking in the literature department lately so I went and picked up Twilight the other day. Apparently it's like the new Harry Potter. I didn't really read HP past the third book but everyone is raving about this series. The Twilight movie comes out in December with Cam Gigandet playing the bad guy. *sigh* he is my love haha, seriously though...gorgeous. I'd like to see him play the good guy once but I guess he just gives off that bad guy persona...we'll see how it plays out. He has long hair in this movie(weird).
Also.. I feel like I'm in limbo right now...I WANT to go back to school and all that good stuff but I really want to travel a bit more. I was planning on going back to school in Sept '09 but now I'm going to California and on a mexican cruise...which isn't a big thing but I don't want to wait to much long past that. If I go back to school at that time I'll be 21. Which means if I take a 4-year course, I'd be 25, still young and able to enjoy life. I know some would say that I need to get my priorities straight and start thinking about my future and I am, but I just don't have the same views as others have. I want to do what I went, when I want. I'm young and free and soon life will steal that away from me and I'll have to get serious. So why can't I see the things I wanna see and do the things that I want to do...so that I never have any regrets? The real world will always be there when I get back from whatever it is that I'm doing and that is something that I nor anyone else can hide from. I've been frantically searching for a part time job because I really really really want to go to Europe in May...like more than anything. As of right now, I don't know if I will be able to do it. I know I will be able to go but probably not for the full 2months that I wanted to go for. We'll see how that goes.
Halloween is soon....what to be, what to be. I'll probably end up being something dumb because I'm so indecisive which is lame. Also, I have the most last minute friends ever...and so Nikki and I keep saying we need to figure out if we are going on a pub crawl or going to a house party...and we wanted to hang out with all of our friends but their all being so indecisive that me and Nikki are just going to have to decide what we want to do with or without them.
The airport is boring today...nothing special going on. Nikki doesn't get in till 1:30 and there is really no other interesting people here. A year ago, some of my closest friends worked at the airport with me. Terri, Jenn, Yuka, Kumi, Amanda, Rachelle... there was a lot of us...and we had so much fun...but eventually they all got sick of the airport and left...leaving just me which is pooey. I really don't mind the airport to be honest. It's interesting to talk to all the different people of the world. Don't get me wrong, it drives me fucking bonkers sometimes but for the most part, it's a good place to work. My boss is kind of a huge fucking tool but I see him like once every two months so I can't complain.
Anyways, nothing else to report or randomly ramble about so I will exit with an awesome Martin Luther King Jr. quote.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
This Sucks
I'm staring in the mirror, trying to tear my eyes away.
So much is running through my mind yet I don't know what to say
I'm looking at myself thinking "what the fuck did I do wrong?"
I should have seen the signs, I should have known this all along.
We fought, we bitched, we cried, we screamed
We kissed, we loved, we smiled, we dreamed
I have a million memories with you, some good and some are bad
I hate looking back on all our times, I just get so mad, I get so sad.
I'm fearful for the future, for what tomorrow brings.
I'm fearful for each day without you, and a thousand other things
I know we said good-bye in such an awful way
but just know that you're on my mind every second of every day
I've said a lot of things that I know I can't take back
But just so you should know, all those things don't mean jack
When I said I fucking hate you and I want you to go die...
What I really meant to say was that I love you and I don't want this to be good-bye
I loveee you!
So much is running through my mind yet I don't know what to say
I'm looking at myself thinking "what the fuck did I do wrong?"
I should have seen the signs, I should have known this all along.
We fought, we bitched, we cried, we screamed
We kissed, we loved, we smiled, we dreamed
I have a million memories with you, some good and some are bad
I hate looking back on all our times, I just get so mad, I get so sad.
I'm fearful for the future, for what tomorrow brings.
I'm fearful for each day without you, and a thousand other things
I know we said good-bye in such an awful way
but just know that you're on my mind every second of every day
I've said a lot of things that I know I can't take back
But just so you should know, all those things don't mean jack
When I said I fucking hate you and I want you to go die...
What I really meant to say was that I love you and I don't want this to be good-bye
I loveee you!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I Dare You To Move
This morning I find myself missing a lot of things and a lot of people.
I miss...
-Junior High
-High School
-Being naive
-my awesome working blow dryer
-California
-T.J.
-House parties
-How Alex and I used to be
-Nate & Sevy
-Shayla & Jenelle
-My friends from highschool (Dana, Amy, Taryn, Britx2 and a million other people)
-My pink hair
-My natural long nails
-My surround system
-My house on Falsby Crt.
-La Senza Girl
There is more...I know it but I can't think of the rest
On another note...I really want to book my trip for europe so that I know that I'm actually going. I also really want a part time job for christmas. I love working in the mall at christmas, stressful as it may be. It just makes the holidays feel so much more holiday-ee! I love all the decorations and the music and the hundreds of people bustling about rushing to buy gifts. It just makes me feel the christmas spirit all day everyday. I love christmas, I really do. People call my mother and I crazy because we put our decorations up on Dec 1 and go ALL OUT. It is definitely, 100% my favorite time of the year. I love buying presents for people and wrapping them with pretty bows and making them all unique. It's so much fun. I like the anticipation of Christmas probably more than I like Christmas day.
On another, another note... Nikki and I want to be construction workers for halloween but our costumes are half ass. We need a tool belt and some other little accessories to put everything together. A safety vest and hard hat just aint gonna cut it.
Well I'm off to watch...or re-watch I should say, Season 1 of the O.C. <3
Summer + Seth = awesomesauce
xo. Jessica
I miss...
-Junior High
-High School
-Being naive
-my awesome working blow dryer
-California
-T.J.
-House parties
-How Alex and I used to be
-Nate & Sevy
-Shayla & Jenelle
-My friends from highschool (Dana, Amy, Taryn, Britx2 and a million other people)
-My pink hair
-My natural long nails
-My surround system
-My house on Falsby Crt.
-La Senza Girl
There is more...I know it but I can't think of the rest
On another note...I really want to book my trip for europe so that I know that I'm actually going. I also really want a part time job for christmas. I love working in the mall at christmas, stressful as it may be. It just makes the holidays feel so much more holiday-ee! I love all the decorations and the music and the hundreds of people bustling about rushing to buy gifts. It just makes me feel the christmas spirit all day everyday. I love christmas, I really do. People call my mother and I crazy because we put our decorations up on Dec 1 and go ALL OUT. It is definitely, 100% my favorite time of the year. I love buying presents for people and wrapping them with pretty bows and making them all unique. It's so much fun. I like the anticipation of Christmas probably more than I like Christmas day.
On another, another note... Nikki and I want to be construction workers for halloween but our costumes are half ass. We need a tool belt and some other little accessories to put everything together. A safety vest and hard hat just aint gonna cut it.
Well I'm off to watch...or re-watch I should say, Season 1 of the O.C. <3
Summer + Seth = awesomesauce
xo. Jessica
It's October
It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...
Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...
I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...
Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from
Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived...
It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
'Let me fall' by Bethany Joy Lenz
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...
Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...
I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...
Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from
Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived...
It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
'Let me fall' by Bethany Joy Lenz
Friday, October 3, 2008
A.J.G.
So... so, so much on my mind right now.
First of all, California was amazing! Did lots, bought lots, loved the weather! I want to go back but even more than that, I want to go to Europe so I need to put forward all my funds towards that.
Second of all...my job is sucking ass right now. I just want to be acknowledged a bit more...and a pay raise wouldn't hurt. I have worked here for 20months now and I still haven't got anything. Meanies!
And lastly...my relationship is in the dumps! For real. We've broken up so many times but this one just feels real. I don't know if we are both just being stubborn or what but it is just becoming more real everyday. He is moving out, we've already exchanged our things and we've just called it quits. After 5 years, it's hard. It feels like its for the best but at the same time it's something that I feel like I won't ever be able to let go of. I do regret the fact that I got into a long term relationship at such a young age because I don't know how to deal with all of this stuff I feel. I feel like I want to be with him but at the same time I feel like... "I'm 20," I have my whole life ahead of me to have fun and to find mr. right. I regret the fact that we got back together after the first time we broke up... and everytime after that because eventually we somehow got ourselves to this point.. this crucial, excruciating moment where every other second I need to stop myself from crying. I'm sad for so much... it sucks. I wish I could foresee the future at times like this. To know if I'm making the right decision...to know if sticking to my guns is the best idea or not because if we stay together and realize in another 5 years that we truly are not meant to be together than we'll have wasted a decade of our lives...however if we go along with our stubborn ways and not give in to how we feel about eachother and we were indeed meant to be together in the future then we'll never know. It's such gamble and I hate it. I wish I could be like "let's meet up in 10 years and get back together so I can get everything in life that I want to do out of the way." Sounds selfish but it's honest. I just wish...soooooo fucking much that we could go back to the times when we enjoyed just laying together and watching television. I wish we could go back to when we were more dangerous and adventerous and we were so in love with eachother that we didn't care what we did, when we did it or where we did it. We just loved eachother's company whether it was making dinner together or just laying in bed listening to a c.d. This sounds weird but I miss our fights too. They were really passionate and so full of every emotion. Now we don't even put an effort into fighting. I totally understand the love/hate thing and I totally understand couples that break up and hate eachother beyond belief. They feel that hatred because it's the only thing left in their hearts to feel for the other person. I feel like I hate Alex right now. Like truly hate him... maybe thats good...maybe that means I loved him or love him...who knows. Maybe all of this is just pure nonsense. Why do we take people for granted? Seriously? I take everyone...EVERYONE in my life for granted and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people in the world who are just like me. If a person passes away or breaks up with you or moves away or ends a friendship, you tell yourself over and over again..."if they would just come back, I would tell them how much they mean to me and I would never underestimate or forget about the value of our relationship ever, ever again." We tell ourselves this all the time, hell I'm telling myself that right now but the truth is, we get comfortable and we forget. It's like when a child begs you for a toy and you tell them "you already have so many toys that you never play with, what makes this one different? You're just going to forget about it in the end." And they say "no I promise, I've always wanted this toy, it's so cool. It's my favorite, I'll play with it everyday." So you buy them the toy and they take it home and rip into the package and they passionately play with it for about.... a couple of hours. Then it's old news. That's like relationshipds... all kinds. Relationships with yourself, relationships with your peers and relationships with your surroundings. I hate admitting all this but its true. I just wish I could swallow my pride and say "plese don't move out, I love you soooo much and I want to try, I want to wake up to you every morning and kiss you everynight before I go to sleep." I want to say all this...I really do, but in the back of my mind, there is something whispering "let it go, you know you're just going to slip back into you're usual old self." Man all of this is sooooo fucked up. I'm just sitting at work, with all of my drivers kinda standing around me and I'm so engulfed in this. I just can't get anything off of my mind. And the more I type, the more stuff keeps getting pulled from random places in my mind and heart. I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I am a person who panicks at the thought of being pushed away or not wanted...but arn't all girls like that? I am fine if something or someone is in front of me. I don't want it or need it, I like it just where it is, but the minute that whatever or whoever it is pulls away, I freak out. That's whats happening right now. I know that I'm the one slightly doing this pushing but I think thats my defense mechanism. I'm so hurt that this is the only thing I can think of doing. Gosh when I look back on all of this, I'm not gonna make sense of it but thats okay cause for now, I just feel like I want all of this that I'm feeing somewhere else besides in my head and my heart. I just want that can't eat, can't sleep, can't get that person out of my head feeling again. Someone told me that the feeling of love never stays and it always fades and that there will ALWAYS be a difference between being in love with someone and loving them and caring about them. That's a sad realization because when you are the "in-love" stage, you don't want to hear that your not going to feel like that forever. You want that hope that comes with every relatonship, that the feeling won't fade. That's what I'm at least hoping for right now. I want that feeling back with the person I love. I don't want to feel it all over again with someone new. I want the hope that people can make it...at any age, under and circumstance, in any situation. I fully admit that I'm not a realist, I will fully admit. I am a dreamer who lives for Disney movies and simple moments. who believes that love has no boundaries and can be found in any corner of the world and who believes that happiness if never far off. All of this that I'm feeling right now makes me want to give up on all of these things that I believe in. I have two friends named Matt and Amanda and their relationship mirrored mine and Alex's. In my eyes and to everyone else they were meant to be together. They fought and broke up all the time but in the end it was ALWAYS "Matt and Amanda." And then one day they broke up, being their usual selves....and they never got back together. They proved that life goes on and that happiness is still around that corner if you're willing to look but from a person in my situation right now, that is not something I want to acknowledge because I want to believe that I'll be sad forever. Why do we do this to ourselves. Date and break up over and over again. We put ourselves through this agonizing feeling over and over again just to wake up and do it all again. When does the cycle end? Are we all just fooling ourselves? By 2003 statistacs say that 40% of all marriages had ended in divorce. That is a staggering statistic because it's on the rise. People just can't make the effort and don't seem to be bothered by the fact that they have invested smiles, tears, laughs, screams, and everyother emotion into countless years of a relationship just to throw it out the window. What happened to always and forever? What happened to forever and back? What happened to "I could never love anyone as much as I love you." Where did all of that go? When did relationships and personal happiness drop below money and work and general everyday life? I probably don't have answers to any of the questions that I've asked but it's nice to ponder on these things. In the end I know, life will go on and everything will be okay....but thats the problem. Why are we all fine with just "okay?" I don't want to wake up one day and be fine with life knowing that i once loved someone with everything that I had. I don't want to be okay with knowing that I just gave them up...just like that. The worst part about the situation is that we never even did anything to hurt eachother. We weren't cheating whores or lying assholes...we were fine but somehow we just couldn't make it work. I kinda wish he had lied or cheated or did some sort of other irreparable, awful thing because then I'd have a reason to break up with him...to hate him everytime I thought of him. I hate knowing that he is a great guy with great intentions. It sucks. I got my palms read while in California and the palm reader did indeed say that he was NOT my soulmate but she also said that people all the time end up with people that arn't their soulmates. She said that Alex would never ever hurt me and that he was great. HELLO!?!?!? NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
I do hope that we can find our peace...whether with eachother or without eachother. And I hope he is someone that I can always count on and vice versa...because the truth is, no matther how much I want to hate him, deep down I want to be there for him and I want to hold him close because I know we've been through to much to hold anything but the highest regards for eachother. I will always love him... thats the thing about first loves, they find a way to latch themselves to you and they never really let go.
In the end all I want to say and all I feel and all I want everyone to know is this...
I love you Alex...I love you beyond all the bullshit and beyond all the fights. I love you beyond all of our firsts and all of our lasts. I love you beyond all that we've been through...and I always will.
xoxo Jessica ;)
First of all, California was amazing! Did lots, bought lots, loved the weather! I want to go back but even more than that, I want to go to Europe so I need to put forward all my funds towards that.
Second of all...my job is sucking ass right now. I just want to be acknowledged a bit more...and a pay raise wouldn't hurt. I have worked here for 20months now and I still haven't got anything. Meanies!
And lastly...my relationship is in the dumps! For real. We've broken up so many times but this one just feels real. I don't know if we are both just being stubborn or what but it is just becoming more real everyday. He is moving out, we've already exchanged our things and we've just called it quits. After 5 years, it's hard. It feels like its for the best but at the same time it's something that I feel like I won't ever be able to let go of. I do regret the fact that I got into a long term relationship at such a young age because I don't know how to deal with all of this stuff I feel. I feel like I want to be with him but at the same time I feel like... "I'm 20," I have my whole life ahead of me to have fun and to find mr. right. I regret the fact that we got back together after the first time we broke up... and everytime after that because eventually we somehow got ourselves to this point.. this crucial, excruciating moment where every other second I need to stop myself from crying. I'm sad for so much... it sucks. I wish I could foresee the future at times like this. To know if I'm making the right decision...to know if sticking to my guns is the best idea or not because if we stay together and realize in another 5 years that we truly are not meant to be together than we'll have wasted a decade of our lives...however if we go along with our stubborn ways and not give in to how we feel about eachother and we were indeed meant to be together in the future then we'll never know. It's such gamble and I hate it. I wish I could be like "let's meet up in 10 years and get back together so I can get everything in life that I want to do out of the way." Sounds selfish but it's honest. I just wish...soooooo fucking much that we could go back to the times when we enjoyed just laying together and watching television. I wish we could go back to when we were more dangerous and adventerous and we were so in love with eachother that we didn't care what we did, when we did it or where we did it. We just loved eachother's company whether it was making dinner together or just laying in bed listening to a c.d. This sounds weird but I miss our fights too. They were really passionate and so full of every emotion. Now we don't even put an effort into fighting. I totally understand the love/hate thing and I totally understand couples that break up and hate eachother beyond belief. They feel that hatred because it's the only thing left in their hearts to feel for the other person. I feel like I hate Alex right now. Like truly hate him... maybe thats good...maybe that means I loved him or love him...who knows. Maybe all of this is just pure nonsense. Why do we take people for granted? Seriously? I take everyone...EVERYONE in my life for granted and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people in the world who are just like me. If a person passes away or breaks up with you or moves away or ends a friendship, you tell yourself over and over again..."if they would just come back, I would tell them how much they mean to me and I would never underestimate or forget about the value of our relationship ever, ever again." We tell ourselves this all the time, hell I'm telling myself that right now but the truth is, we get comfortable and we forget. It's like when a child begs you for a toy and you tell them "you already have so many toys that you never play with, what makes this one different? You're just going to forget about it in the end." And they say "no I promise, I've always wanted this toy, it's so cool. It's my favorite, I'll play with it everyday." So you buy them the toy and they take it home and rip into the package and they passionately play with it for about.... a couple of hours. Then it's old news. That's like relationshipds... all kinds. Relationships with yourself, relationships with your peers and relationships with your surroundings. I hate admitting all this but its true. I just wish I could swallow my pride and say "plese don't move out, I love you soooo much and I want to try, I want to wake up to you every morning and kiss you everynight before I go to sleep." I want to say all this...I really do, but in the back of my mind, there is something whispering "let it go, you know you're just going to slip back into you're usual old self." Man all of this is sooooo fucked up. I'm just sitting at work, with all of my drivers kinda standing around me and I'm so engulfed in this. I just can't get anything off of my mind. And the more I type, the more stuff keeps getting pulled from random places in my mind and heart. I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I am a person who panicks at the thought of being pushed away or not wanted...but arn't all girls like that? I am fine if something or someone is in front of me. I don't want it or need it, I like it just where it is, but the minute that whatever or whoever it is pulls away, I freak out. That's whats happening right now. I know that I'm the one slightly doing this pushing but I think thats my defense mechanism. I'm so hurt that this is the only thing I can think of doing. Gosh when I look back on all of this, I'm not gonna make sense of it but thats okay cause for now, I just feel like I want all of this that I'm feeing somewhere else besides in my head and my heart. I just want that can't eat, can't sleep, can't get that person out of my head feeling again. Someone told me that the feeling of love never stays and it always fades and that there will ALWAYS be a difference between being in love with someone and loving them and caring about them. That's a sad realization because when you are the "in-love" stage, you don't want to hear that your not going to feel like that forever. You want that hope that comes with every relatonship, that the feeling won't fade. That's what I'm at least hoping for right now. I want that feeling back with the person I love. I don't want to feel it all over again with someone new. I want the hope that people can make it...at any age, under and circumstance, in any situation. I fully admit that I'm not a realist, I will fully admit. I am a dreamer who lives for Disney movies and simple moments. who believes that love has no boundaries and can be found in any corner of the world and who believes that happiness if never far off. All of this that I'm feeling right now makes me want to give up on all of these things that I believe in. I have two friends named Matt and Amanda and their relationship mirrored mine and Alex's. In my eyes and to everyone else they were meant to be together. They fought and broke up all the time but in the end it was ALWAYS "Matt and Amanda." And then one day they broke up, being their usual selves....and they never got back together. They proved that life goes on and that happiness is still around that corner if you're willing to look but from a person in my situation right now, that is not something I want to acknowledge because I want to believe that I'll be sad forever. Why do we do this to ourselves. Date and break up over and over again. We put ourselves through this agonizing feeling over and over again just to wake up and do it all again. When does the cycle end? Are we all just fooling ourselves? By 2003 statistacs say that 40% of all marriages had ended in divorce. That is a staggering statistic because it's on the rise. People just can't make the effort and don't seem to be bothered by the fact that they have invested smiles, tears, laughs, screams, and everyother emotion into countless years of a relationship just to throw it out the window. What happened to always and forever? What happened to forever and back? What happened to "I could never love anyone as much as I love you." Where did all of that go? When did relationships and personal happiness drop below money and work and general everyday life? I probably don't have answers to any of the questions that I've asked but it's nice to ponder on these things. In the end I know, life will go on and everything will be okay....but thats the problem. Why are we all fine with just "okay?" I don't want to wake up one day and be fine with life knowing that i once loved someone with everything that I had. I don't want to be okay with knowing that I just gave them up...just like that. The worst part about the situation is that we never even did anything to hurt eachother. We weren't cheating whores or lying assholes...we were fine but somehow we just couldn't make it work. I kinda wish he had lied or cheated or did some sort of other irreparable, awful thing because then I'd have a reason to break up with him...to hate him everytime I thought of him. I hate knowing that he is a great guy with great intentions. It sucks. I got my palms read while in California and the palm reader did indeed say that he was NOT my soulmate but she also said that people all the time end up with people that arn't their soulmates. She said that Alex would never ever hurt me and that he was great. HELLO!?!?!? NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
I do hope that we can find our peace...whether with eachother or without eachother. And I hope he is someone that I can always count on and vice versa...because the truth is, no matther how much I want to hate him, deep down I want to be there for him and I want to hold him close because I know we've been through to much to hold anything but the highest regards for eachother. I will always love him... thats the thing about first loves, they find a way to latch themselves to you and they never really let go.
In the end all I want to say and all I feel and all I want everyone to know is this...
I love you Alex...I love you beyond all the bullshit and beyond all the fights. I love you beyond all of our firsts and all of our lasts. I love you beyond all that we've been through...and I always will.
xoxo Jessica ;)
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