A.J.G.

So... so, so much on my mind right now.

First of all, California was amazing! Did lots, bought lots, loved the weather! I want to go back but even more than that, I want to go to Europe so I need to put forward all my funds towards that.

Second of all...my job is sucking ass right now. I just want to be acknowledged a bit more...and a pay raise wouldn't hurt. I have worked here for 20months now and I still haven't got anything. Meanies!

And lastly...my relationship is in the dumps! For real. We've broken up so many times but this one just feels real. I don't know if we are both just being stubborn or what but it is just becoming more real everyday. He is moving out, we've already exchanged our things and we've just called it quits. After 5 years, it's hard. It feels like its for the best but at the same time it's something that I feel like I won't ever be able to let go of. I do regret the fact that I got into a long term relationship at such a young age because I don't know how to deal with all of this stuff I feel. I feel like I want to be with him but at the same time I feel like... "I'm 20," I have my whole life ahead of me to have fun and to find mr. right. I regret the fact that we got back together after the first time we broke up... and everytime after that because eventually we somehow got ourselves to this point.. this crucial, excruciating moment where every other second I need to stop myself from crying. I'm sad for so much... it sucks. I wish I could foresee the future at times like this. To know if I'm making the right decision...to know if sticking to my guns is the best idea or not because if we stay together and realize in another 5 years that we truly are not meant to be together than we'll have wasted a decade of our lives...however if we go along with our stubborn ways and not give in to how we feel about eachother and we were indeed meant to be together in the future then we'll never know. It's such gamble and I hate it. I wish I could be like "let's meet up in 10 years and get back together so I can get everything in life that I want to do out of the way." Sounds selfish but it's honest. I just wish...soooooo fucking much that we could go back to the times when we enjoyed just laying together and watching television. I wish we could go back to when we were more dangerous and adventerous and we were so in love with eachother that we didn't care what we did, when we did it or where we did it. We just loved eachother's company whether it was making dinner together or just laying in bed listening to a c.d. This sounds weird but I miss our fights too. They were really passionate and so full of every emotion. Now we don't even put an effort into fighting. I totally understand the love/hate thing and I totally understand couples that break up and hate eachother beyond belief. They feel that hatred because it's the only thing left in their hearts to feel for the other person. I feel like I hate Alex right now. Like truly hate him... maybe thats good...maybe that means I loved him or love him...who knows. Maybe all of this is just pure nonsense. Why do we take people for granted? Seriously? I take everyone...EVERYONE in my life for granted and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people in the world who are just like me. If a person passes away or breaks up with you or moves away or ends a friendship, you tell yourself over and over again..."if they would just come back, I would tell them how much they mean to me and I would never underestimate or forget about the value of our relationship ever, ever again." We tell ourselves this all the time, hell I'm telling myself that right now but the truth is, we get comfortable and we forget. It's like when a child begs you for a toy and you tell them "you already have so many toys that you never play with, what makes this one different? You're just going to forget about it in the end." And they say "no I promise, I've always wanted this toy, it's so cool. It's my favorite, I'll play with it everyday." So you buy them the toy and they take it home and rip into the package and they passionately play with it for about.... a couple of hours. Then it's old news. That's like relationshipds... all kinds. Relationships with yourself, relationships with your peers and relationships with your surroundings. I hate admitting all this but its true. I just wish I could swallow my pride and say "plese don't move out, I love you soooo much and I want to try, I want to wake up to you every morning and kiss you everynight before I go to sleep." I want to say all this...I really do, but in the back of my mind, there is something whispering "let it go, you know you're just going to slip back into you're usual old self." Man all of this is sooooo fucked up. I'm just sitting at work, with all of my drivers kinda standing around me and I'm so engulfed in this. I just can't get anything off of my mind. And the more I type, the more stuff keeps getting pulled from random places in my mind and heart. I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I am a person who panicks at the thought of being pushed away or not wanted...but arn't all girls like that? I am fine if something or someone is in front of me. I don't want it or need it, I like it just where it is, but the minute that whatever or whoever it is pulls away, I freak out. That's whats happening right now. I know that I'm the one slightly doing this pushing but I think thats my defense mechanism. I'm so hurt that this is the only thing I can think of doing. Gosh when I look back on all of this, I'm not gonna make sense of it but thats okay cause for now, I just feel like I want all of this that I'm feeing somewhere else besides in my head and my heart. I just want that can't eat, can't sleep, can't get that person out of my head feeling again. Someone told me that the feeling of love never stays and it always fades and that there will ALWAYS be a difference between being in love with someone and loving them and caring about them. That's a sad realization because when you are the "in-love" stage, you don't want to hear that your not going to feel like that forever. You want that hope that comes with every relatonship, that the feeling won't fade. That's what I'm at least hoping for right now. I want that feeling back with the person I love. I don't want to feel it all over again with someone new. I want the hope that people can make it...at any age, under and circumstance, in any situation. I fully admit that I'm not a realist, I will fully admit. I am a dreamer who lives for Disney movies and simple moments. who believes that love has no boundaries and can be found in any corner of the world and who believes that happiness if never far off. All of this that I'm feeling right now makes me want to give up on all of these things that I believe in. I have two friends named Matt and Amanda and their relationship mirrored mine and Alex's. In my eyes and to everyone else they were meant to be together. They fought and broke up all the time but in the end it was ALWAYS "Matt and Amanda." And then one day they broke up, being their usual selves....and they never got back together. They proved that life goes on and that happiness is still around that corner if you're willing to look but from a person in my situation right now, that is not something I want to acknowledge because I want to believe that I'll be sad forever. Why do we do this to ourselves. Date and break up over and over again. We put ourselves through this agonizing feeling over and over again just to wake up and do it all again. When does the cycle end? Are we all just fooling ourselves? By 2003 statistacs say that 40% of all marriages had ended in divorce. That is a staggering statistic because it's on the rise. People just can't make the effort and don't seem to be bothered by the fact that they have invested smiles, tears, laughs, screams, and everyother emotion into countless years of a relationship just to throw it out the window. What happened to always and forever? What happened to forever and back? What happened to "I could never love anyone as much as I love you." Where did all of that go? When did relationships and personal happiness drop below money and work and general everyday life? I probably don't have answers to any of the questions that I've asked but it's nice to ponder on these things. In the end I know, life will go on and everything will be okay....but thats the problem. Why are we all fine with just "okay?" I don't want to wake up one day and be fine with life knowing that i once loved someone with everything that I had. I don't want to be okay with knowing that I just gave them up...just like that. The worst part about the situation is that we never even did anything to hurt eachother. We weren't cheating whores or lying assholes...we were fine but somehow we just couldn't make it work. I kinda wish he had lied or cheated or did some sort of other irreparable, awful thing because then I'd have a reason to break up with him...to hate him everytime I thought of him. I hate knowing that he is a great guy with great intentions. It sucks. I got my palms read while in California and the palm reader did indeed say that he was NOT my soulmate but she also said that people all the time end up with people that arn't their soulmates. She said that Alex would never ever hurt me and that he was great. HELLO!?!?!? NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

I do hope that we can find our peace...whether with eachother or without eachother. And I hope he is someone that I can always count on and vice versa...because the truth is, no matther how much I want to hate him, deep down I want to be there for him and I want to hold him close because I know we've been through to much to hold anything but the highest regards for eachother. I will always love him... thats the thing about first loves, they find a way to latch themselves to you and they never really let go.

In the end all I want to say and all I feel and all I want everyone to know is this...

I love you Alex...I love you beyond all the bullshit and beyond all the fights. I love you beyond all of our firsts and all of our lasts. I love you beyond all that we've been through...and I always will.

xoxo Jessica ;)