Did I Bite Off More Than I Can Chew?

It's been forever since I really wrote about anything going on in my life...I guess I've re-directed my priorities(and not in a positive way) to say the least.

My first topic of conversation will be Twilight, Twicon and everything related to it. I feel like in the last month, it's consumed me. I just go through these phases where I focus all of my energy on one thing. I signed up to go to twicon last month. Twicon is a twilight convention(so nerdy, I know right?) down in Dallas, Tx that has lots of stars slated to attend as well as many other things going on. After I signed up, I started talking to other people that were attending through the forums and chatroom...Almost immedietely I have felt a sense of attachment to them which is weird, cause that NEVER happens!!! I can honestly say though that I've thoroughly enjoyed getting to know Emily, Kaelie, Dana, Katie-Poo, April, Sam, Kat, Melch, B, Ti, Liz and so many others!!!

With that being said, it leads in to my next topic which is the reason for my title! I've been talking to them so immensely this last month that I'm planning on going down with Brit to meet up with them and hang out... Not only was I under a constant worry of pressure from before trying to find the money for europe, but now I've added another two vacations on top of that. With all this worrying about finding the funds for it, I'm wondering if I've made the right choices...I can still back out of course, but I don't want to...and I know I'd feel worse off if I did. I just keep living by this motto that I want to do anything and everything and so be it - I shall do it! Apparently this motto might not work all the time...it seems to be getting me into some binds and I still feel unhappy with myself. If all goes well though this year *knock on wood* the vacations I'm going on are:

Banff: January 2-4 2009 (Not much of a vacation but whatevs)
Texas/Alabama: February 12-19 2009
Europe: April 27(ish)- June 10(ish) 2009
Twicon(Dallas, Tx): July 28th - August 4th 2009
Mexico/California: Sept 10-20 2009

And then I want to go back to Cali for the premier of New Moon and just to go back.

Ughhhhhh *whines a little* Why do I have to be so unhappy with my life that I'm constantly wanting everything? Not in the materialistic sense but I just want to DO and SEE and BE everything! I want to be in a million places at once...it's so dang frustrating!!! I also want to start making a new years resolution...except it's not so much as a resolution as it is just a list of things that I want to stop putting off...So far I figure my list will include the following:

-Save money and or take a second job
-Pay off credit card
-Lose the weight that I've been wanting to lose for forever
-Take dancing lessons
-Find a good monologue piece and start rehearsing
-Look into some sort of theatre workshops to get me back into the swing of things
-Establish ok-looking portfolio
-Research schools and make sure I figure out what I want to do with life
-Find my happiness with Alex or find a way to move on
-Get Blue cross or a job that has benefits so I can fix my stupid tooth
-Go to New York
-Go to the U.K.
-Finish writing my book that I've put off for way to long

Now I'll explain these in depth...Boring, I know!

I need to save money so that I can go to school or travel or have the freedom to do whatever I want on a whim.

I need to pay off my credit card because...well that's a given. I don't want bad credit.

Lose the weight I want to lose because sometime I feel like it holds me back from trying new things a.k.a...school...which I know it shouldn't...but when you're uncomfortable as not self-assured like I am, you get crazy notions in your head.

I don't want to be no ballerina or anything but I figured it I delved into dance a bit, I could round off my fine arts a bit more with dancing in my portfolio...it might make some things easier.

In order to apply for school for theatre arts, you must have a monologue prepared. I did Lady Macbeth in high school and although Shakespeare is impressive, I want something that conveys a wide range of emotions that I can use for other auditions and stuff.

My portfolio sucks period...and if I want to enjoy any happiness in acting, even if it's just local acting, I need something to present.

School...FUCK. That's all I can say. I have no idea WHERE I want to go or what I want to take. All I know is that I might need to do some upgrading AGAIN. I need to figure out what I want to do and stick with it. Theatre Arts was always on the top of the list but I've always convinced myself it'd be a waste of time and money. Maybe I could give it a shot, who knows. I also wouldn't mind exploring an English degree...I never think that about pursuing something with english, but my marks in English have always been there and I always forget that I enjoy it...A LOT! Sometimes I don't feel smart enough though...I'm afraid of failure. My last option and the one that I keep sticking with seems to be Social work/Child and Youth. I know I'd be happy in it and I know I'd get accepted easily but I feel like I should go further because I don't know if I'm as passionate about it as other things. Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to work with kids, one way or another...but doing something like social working, which I hardly even agree with just seems like an easy way out. I just want to get a move on...Go to school and build a future.

Alex. Self explanitory. I love him, it's been over five years but we're in a rock and a hard place...I feel him slipping away from me everyday and although I I get gut wrenching sensations of loneliness when he's not around, sometimes it feels as though I'm better off this way.

Umm...so a job with benefits would be friggin sweet! I wouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg for my glasses, or the doctor or the stupid dentist...UGHHH

New York and the U.K... two places I've read dreamed about visiting for as long as I can remember. I wanna go..end of story.

My book is...well it's a book. I started writing it who knows how long ago because I wanted to prove to myself I could follow through on something. I told myself it wasn't to meant to be anything except my own personal accomplishment. I've wrote quite a bit of it but then I just put it down one day and didn't look at it again. I just remembered that I got this overwhelming sensation that "a person like me CAN'T write a book." I think I can, I think I just lack the determination sometimes.

And there is my list...yeesh!!!


What else to talk about...something happy?!?!?! I feel like I've bitched this entire entry.

So I just recently read a series called The Black Dagger Brotherhood series. It seriously stole my heart. It even took my mind off of twilight! I read the 6 books in about 8 days! It's a vampire romance novel...very erotic and exotic and not something I'd normally read, but it completely captured me! I did beat a personal record and read 16 books in the month of November...it impressed me. Currently I'm reading some Demon series...I don't really know. It's not too bad, I have one more book left to read so we shall see! Umm...what else??? Christmas is coming! I'm SO lacking the spirit this year...I think it's cause I'm not working in the mall this year so I haven't heard the christmas music all day and people gushing about christmas...tomorrow I'm gonna get a move on with the christmas shopping. Also...I need to clean my room(s)...and do laundry. I'm slacking MAJORLY!!!

I think that is all I have to report on for now!

Other than the fact that CG is indeed having a baby... =( My heart hurts!

xo. Jess