Nothing Is Forever

Absolute.

Absolutely powerful...is that word up there. Indeed.

Every single day (and I'm not over stating on this one)... but EVERY single day, I find myself singing along to the song "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers. Specifically, the line "there's got to be something better than in middle." No joke, I sing it over and over and over again. Then sometimes I stop and reflect on what that means. Usually I just keep singing though :P haha. But in all honesty, it's become more than a line in a song to me. It has become a statement. It's pretty true to my life if I do say so. I'm definitely in the middle. My life is good, it's damn good, it could ALWAYS be worse. But at the same time, there has got to be something better than this routine that I repeat EVERYDAY. My life is monotone. It's making me more and more apathetic with each passing day and I hate it. I don't need to be great, or rewrite the constitution or anything. I'm not ambitious enough to land on the moon or win a Pulitzer, but I just want to change small things that will make my life that much better... So I've compiled a list:

Things that make my life more than "in the middle" that I MUST do:

-Clean my room (I know you're saying wtf, but my 'aura' per se is so much better when my room is clean and I don't have clothes everywhere)
-Exercise (excercising just makes me feel accomplished, I love it)
-Volunteer (You have no idea what the Kids Help Phone did for me)
-Reinvent myself (I know that is part of everything overall, but I'm talking about overcoming my fear to try simple new things. ie - take an art class *mortifying*)
-find my own inner peace (I think once I accept that I'm content with who I am, what I've accomplished and where my life is going, then things can only go uphill)
-Go to school (This is so important to me and the classes that I took just aren't enough to put me where I want to be. I want a mofuggin DEGREE)
-Travel (this is why I'm not going to school...)
-There is more... must. keep. thinking.

I think maybe I'm scared of getting old, because I just want to do everything NOW. Some people live with the saying "there's always tomorrow." NO, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, there is not always tomorrow. I don't think those people have ever experienced tragedy or death, or living in the now. I think they live with a naievety that I can't even begin to comprehend. For some, there is no tomorrow. Why do people need life altering events to motivate themselves. Why do we need to be diagnosed with cancer, or wait till we win the lottery? Whenever I say shit like this, I always refer back to the Tim McGraw song "Live Like You Were Dying."

"And he said someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying."

Anyways, this blog is just here to remind me (since I'm feeling really pessimistic tonight) to DO WHAT I WANT TO DO! Because the truth is, I don't feel like my room is going to get clean, or that I'm going to write chapter 2, or pay off my credit card, or even go to the UK. And that is NOT what I want. By this time next year I want to say "holy fuck, I have had the most eye opening year of my entire life." I want to strive to be everything I can be and do everything I want to do. I want to overcome the obstacles that are put before me.

I'm going to end with the lyrics and video to "One Headlight." Listen and love...

One Headlight

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Chorus:
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

(chorus)

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me